thehardtimes

Hard Digest March 14: Early Access The Boss, Tom Waits, Baby Hitler, and More

Bruce Springsteen’s Grandkids Exhausted After Lullaby Last Four Hours, Two Encores

By Nathan Kamal 

COLTS NECK, N.J. — The grandchildren of legendary musical artist Bruce Springsteen are reportedly exhausted after being serenaded with a soul-scorching series of lullabies that made them be...

Hard Digest March 13: Skinny Jeans, TouchTunes, Bluesky, and More

“These Aren’t Your Dad’s Skinny Jeans” Claims Advertisement That Doesn’t Know What the Fuck It’s Talking About

By Tim Mehew 

NEW YORK — Local ad agency Brunch Menu launched a new advertising campaign that simply read, “These aren’t your dad’s skinny jeans,” confusing every o...

MVP: Beastie Boys "Intergalactic"

It's robots versus weird sea creatures this week on MVP because we are breaking down another classic music video. This time we tell you everything you've ever needed to know about "Intergalactic" so you can be interesting at the next party you are invited to.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qORYO0atB6g

Hard Digest March 12: Early Access Neil Armstrong, Gene Hackman, Noise Fests, and More

New Conspiracy Theory Suggests Neil Armstrong Faked Orgasm During Moon Landing

By Matt Husser 

HOUSTON — Conspiracy theorist Giovanni Holland took to YouTube today to reveal a new theory alleging Neil Armstrong faked his infamous orgasm during the 1969 Apollo Moon Landing, sources confirmed.<...

Hard Digest March 11: Early Access Thrash Metal, HomeGoods, and Birth Rates

Thrash Metal Fan Listens to Doom Metal Records at 78 RPM

By Ryan Dondero 

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local thrash metal fan Zack Holloway reportedly plays doom metal records at 78 RPM in a desperate attempt to make them sound like his music genre of choice, sources confirmed.

“I can only assume...

Hard Digest March 10: Early Access Death Metal Logos, Tarantulas, and Abbott Elementary

Death Metal Band Debuts New Logo After Bassist Takes Photo of Cooked Spaghetti He Spilled on the Floor

By Jason Clemence 

TAMPA, Fla. — Local death metal band Sinister Descent unveiled a brand new logo after bassist Saul Cohen had the presence of mind to photograph a pile of spaghetti he d...

Hard Digest March 9: Early Access Iron Maiden, Square Dancing, Wheelchair Ramps, and More

Iron Maiden Writes Song About the British Credit Crisis of 1772 After Realizing They’ve Already Covered Every Other Topic in Human History

By Steve Packosky 

LONDON — Legendary British metal band Iron Maiden found themselves writing a song about the British Credit Crisis of 1772 after ...

Hard Digest March 8: Early Access Stevie Nicks, Natalie Portman, Dive Bars, and More

30 Injured at Stevie Nicks Concert in Twirling Session Gone Wrong

By Patrick Crooks

ATLANTA — Authorities were called to the State Farm Arena this evening to respond to what eyewitnesses report as a twirling session at a Stevie Nicks concert that went “horribly wrong” and left at least 30...

Hard Digest March 7: SpaceX, Early Access Growing Up, Mistakes, Mel Gibson, and More

SpaceX Announces Plans to Stop Putting Teachers On Their Spaceships

By Maksym LaRouche 

BROWNSVILLE, Texas — SpaceX announced they will no longer be allowing school teachers on their spaceships following the second explosion of a Starship mega rocket last night, sources confirmed.

...

Hard Digest March 6: Early Access Dads, Kids, Venue Disasters, and More

Kid Shocked by How Much Dad Cries in the Bathroom on Take Your Child to Work Day

By Ryan Danley

CHICAGO — Local 10-year-old Jake Marshall got a surprising glimpse into adulthood during Take Your Child to Work Day when he discovered that his father, Greg Marshall, spends an alarming amount of time s...

MVP: Green Day "Basket Case"

Today we once again take a trip to 1994, which we have established is the best year on record for music, to break down the classic video for Green Day's "Basket Case." The band were labeled sell outs for signing to a major label and disbanded shortly after making this video.

Hard Digest March 5: Early Access Festival Posters, Siskel & Ebert, Trump, and More

Man Caught Lying to Blind Date About His Band’s Font Size on Festival Poster

By Ben Friedman 

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — Frontman Dale Leinert humiliated himself after his blind date discovered the font size of his band on a local festival poster was nowhere near as big as he told h...

Hard Digest March 4: Early Access Shows, Chippendales, Trump, and More

Beautiful: Band and Audience Connect Over Desire for Gig to Be Over

By Frederick O'Brien 

PLANO, Texas — An incredible meeting of souls occurred last night as Christian punk band The Chastity Pistols and their audience forged a bond over their desperate need for the performance to end,...

Hard Digest March 3: Early Access Black Flag Vocalists, Mad Max, Trad Wives, and More

Man’s Party Trick Successfully Listing All Black Flag Vocalists in Order

By Mimi Kenny

BOSTON — Local scene veteran Randy Ragnar amazed attendees at a house party with his seamless recitation of all five lead vocalists of Black Flag, several sources with the same parole officer reported.

�...

Hard Digest March 2: Early Access Metalheads, Canada, and Democrats

Highly Recruited High School Metalhead Considering Offers From Multiple Local Pizza Shops

By The Hard Times Staff 

SAN ANTONIO — Local metalhead Spencer Leggieri is reportedly being scouted by multiple pizza shops across the city in hopes of securing his talent as a full-time employee aft...

Hard Digest March 1: Early Access Anthony Green, Alice In Chains, and Oscar Coverage

Anthony Green Assures Bandmates He “Can Quit Anytime He Wants” After Getting Caught Forming Three More Supergroups

By Scott Murray

PHILADELPHIA — Singer Anthony Green, best known as the lead vocalist of Saosin, Circa Survive, The Sound of Animals Fighting, L.S. Dunes, and too many others, w...

Hard Digest February 28: Economic Blackout, Early Access Sigur Rós, Love Bombing, Vid Kid, and More

Crust Punk Promises to Only Use Parents’ Credit Card for Essentials During Economic Blackout

By The Hard Times Staff 

PROVIDENCE, R.I — Local crust punk Phil “Sponge” Baker is planning on participating in today’s economic blackout by vowing to only use his parents’ credit card for es...

Hard Digest February 27: Early Access One Hit Wonders, Sapiosexual, Wet Food, and More

“One-Hit Wonder” Artist Sorry They Only Produced One Timeless Masterpiece Everyone Loves

By Matt Husser 

NEW YORK — Local one-hit wonder band Owl Tempest reportedly apologized today for failing their fans after only being able to produce one timeless masterpiece everyone adores, sources...

MVP: Journey "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)"

This week on MVP Bill and Dan break down one of the most infamous music videos of all time. Grab your air keyboard and settle in for a complete breakdown of the "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" music video.

Watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LatorN4P9aA

Hard Digest February 26: Early Access Live Shows, Shy Guys, Brothers, and More

Devastating: Band Still Has a Couple More Songs for You

By Frederick O'Brien

CHICAGO — Local shoegaze band The Distant Star announced that they were intending to perform a couple more songs, ruining the nights of dozens of audience members, confirmed sources who checked the time several tim...

Hard Digest February 25: Early Access Lisa Loeb, Wokeness, Undying Love, and More

Lisa Loeb Wins Local Record Store’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” Award For 29th Year in a Row

By The Hard Times Staff 

LAWRENCE, Kan. — Employees of independent record store Tables Turned announced their coveted “Sexiest Woman Alive” award went to Lisa Loeb for the 29th consecutive year, ...

Hard Digest February 24: Early Access Battle of the Bands, Rosie, Circle Pits, and More

Battle of the Bands Ends in Fragile Ceasefire Agreement

By Matt Oriente

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — A ceasefire has been reached after tense backstage negotiations at this weekend’s Battle of the Bands, confirmed relieved sources.

“As fragile and temporary as it may end up being, all the bands a...

Hard Digest February 23: Early Access Holy Diver, Competency, Emotional Support Dogs, and More

Priest on “Holy Diver” Album Cover Probably Deserved It

By Steve Packosky 

CANTON, Mass. — Observers of the cover art of Dio’s 1983 debut masterpiece “Holy Diver” collectively agreed that the priest depicted being whipped by a giant demon probably deserved what was happening to h...

Hard Digest February 22: Early Access Kirk Hammett, Godsmack, and Anarchists

Kirk Hammett Officially Announced as Metallica’s Lead Guitarist After Successful Completion of 42-Year Probationary Period

By Steve Packosky

SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after he successfully completed his 42...

Hard Digest February 21: Elon, Early Access Kanye, David Lynch, DOGE, and More

From “The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy” to “The Hedge Trimmer of My Kids Speaking to Me,” We Ranked Every Tool in Elon’s Shed

By Dan Rice 

Yesterday, Tesla CEO and current Trump BFF Elon Musk wowed the Nazi-sympathizing crowd at CPAC by unveiling The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy, a legendary wea...

Hard Digest February 20: Early Access Steely Dan, BAC, Coke Dick, and More

Man Who Spent 40 Minutes Talking About Steely Dan on First Date Confident It Went Great

By Ryan Dondero 

DALLAS — Local man Dave Hensley is confident that his first date with Rachel Caldwell went well, despite talking about his favorite band, Steely Dan, for approximately 40 minutes, skeptica...

MVP: Megadeth "Sweating Bullets"

Grab your favorite Dave Mustaine clone and settle in for a brand new episode of MVP where Bill and Dan discuss everything you need to know about sweating bullets, like how Dave Mustaine has a black belt in taekwondo.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOnKCcjP8Qs