thehardtimes

Hard Digest July 24: Hulk Hogan, Ghislaine Maxwell, Early Access, Sleep, "Easy Lover," Music Genres, and More

Hulk Hogan Dead at 71 After Decades-Long Battle With Hulkamania

By Dan Rice

CLEARWATER, Fla. — Hulk Hogan, famed professional wrestler, actor, and white nationalist, passed away earlier today, succumbing to health problems related to his nearly 40-year battle with Hulkamania.

“The Hulkster is at rest ...

MVP: Dio "Holy Diver"

All hail Murray, the great and evil Dio mascot. This week on the podcast we break down the metal classic "Holy Diver" and tell you everything you need to know about this legendary music video.

Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lvs2FzF64o

Hard Digest July 23: Starving Children, Sharon Osbourne, Early Access Gym Class, "Hey Jealousy," CPAP Mask, and More

Children Starving in Gaza Wish Trump Would Use Them to Distract from Epstein Scandal

By Dan Kozuh

GAZA CITY — Malnourished children living in increasingly dire conditions in Gaza expressed disappointment Monday that President Donald Trump has yet to exploit their suffering as a distraction from the wave of...

Hard Digest July 22: RIP Ozzy, MLK Files, Early Access GWAR, Colbert, Self-Care, and More

Rock and Roll Lifestyle Finally Catches Up To Ozzy Osbourne, 76

By Michael Roets, Jr.

LOS ANGELES — Decades of hard partying and wild nights finally caught up to legendary metal musician Ozzy Osbourne who died at the young age of 76 earlier today, familial sources confirmed.

“It’s time to say go...

Hard Digest July 21: Pam Bondi, Early Access Battle Vests, Mindfulness, Credit Cards, and More

Attorney General Pam Bondi Drops Ukulele Apology Video

By Nick Brandt

WASHINGTON — US Attorney General Pam Bondi responded to scathing public inquiry regarding the so-called Epstein client list by posting a video of her singing and playing the ukulele, confirmed sources.

“There is absolutely no evi...

Hard Digest July 20: Early Access Guns, Christian Metal, Cops, and More

Leftist Who Actually Knows Stuff About Guns Suddenly Real Popular in Friend Group

By Reuben Blanchard

LOS ANGELES — WeHo-based firearms enthusiast Dave Simpson recently saw a drastic uptick in popularity amongst his left-of-center friends, confirmed sources who just wanted to know what a handgun felt l...

Hard Digest July 19: Early Access Time, "Her," and Mansplaining

Fabric of Reality Begins to Unravel After Punk Band Starts Show on Time

By Ben Friedman

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The very fabric of space and time which holds the universe together began to unravel after punk band Torch Failure began their set at the exact time they were billed to perform, confirmed sources who...

Hard Digest July 18: PBS, Early Access Black Metal, Fyre Fest, Drugs, and More

Sesame Street Now Brought to You by Hims

By Dan Rice

NEW YORK —  Producers of the long-running children’s program “Sesame Street” resorted to accepting sponsorship from popular male wellness brand Hims in the wake of recent DOGE cuts gutting PBS funding, multiple virile sources confirmed.<...

Hard Digest July 17: Early Access Metalheads, Brand New, Good Samaritans, and More

Poser Metalhead Has Bands You Recognize on His Battle Vest

By Steve Packosky

SAN DIEGO — Metalhead and total poser Greg Borneck had patches for bands that you recognized on his battle vest when you saw him in the crowd at an Exhumed show, disgusted sources report.

“Yeah man, I had a lot of fun ...

MVP: The Chemical Brothers "Let Forever Be"

This week on MVP we break down The Chemical Brothers "Let Forever Be" which is a video that perfectly encapsulates what it's like to work retail when your alarm clock is a guy playing drums in your apartment.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5FyfQDO5g0

Hard Digest July 16: Early Access Tool, Sex and the City, R.L. Stine, and More

“Lateralus” Played on Loop Overnight Causes iPhone to Become Self-Aware

By Steve Packosky

KANNAPOLIS, N.C. — An iPhone 13 owned by IT professional Justin Deeling achieved sentience after he accidentally left progressive metal band Tool’s 2001 album “Lateralus” on a loop overnight, sources re...

Hard Digest July 15: Early Access the Kinsellas, Drag Racing, Autographs, and More

Kinsella Family Reunion Leads to Formation of 12 New Bands

By Eric Degliomini

URBANA, Ill. — The bi-annual Kinsella family reunion, organized by brothers and Cap’n Jazz bandmates Tim and Mike Kinsella, successfully resulted in the record-breaking formation of 12 new bands that will inevitably be sig...

Hard Digest July 14: Early Access Turnstile, Spinge, Barbie, and More

Chief of Previously Uncontacted Tribe Asks Explorers if They’ve Heard the New Turnstile Album

By Tim Graham

TAUARIAZINHO, Brazil — An encounter with an isolated tribe resulted in an unexpected discussion of the band Turnstile, according to dumbfounded jungle guides.

“My team and I were deep in t...

Hard Digest July 13: Early Access Pajamas, Male Loneliness, and Rashes

Cancelled Band’s Tour Shirt Demoted to Pajamas

By Ben Friedman

NEWTON, Mass. — A local man’s once beloved band tour shirt was unceremoniously demoted to being worn exclusively as pajamas after the group was declared cancelled by the general public, family members have confirmed.

“What the hell ...

Hard Digest July 12: Early Access Bluegrass, The National, and JD Vance

Coworker Going to Show You “Bluegrass Tribute to Metallica” Video Whether You Give a Shit or Not

By Chris Bowen

CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local forklift driver Kenny Avalon couldn’t resist the urge to show you a Facebook video of a bunch of guys playing Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” but with banjos, a...

Hard Digest July 11: Early Access Drinking, Don't Tread on Me, Serial Killers, and More

Metalhead Carefully Considers Answer For Doctor’s “How Many Drinks Per Week” Question That Won’t Send Him To Rehab But Won’t Make Him Look Like A Loser

By Dan Kozuh

DENVER — Local metalhead Nick Landon, 35, carefully considered his answer after his primary care physician asked him how many alcoholic...

Hard Digest July 10: Grok, Early Access Guns, Sabaton, Gene Simmons, and More

Leftist Software Engineer Wishes He Could Travel Back in Time to Kill Baby MechaHitler

By Bobby Korec

SAN FRANCISCO — Leftist software engineer Connor Newburg vocally expressed wishing that he could travel back in time to kill baby MechaHitler, the name that Elon Musk’s AI chatbot recently gave itself, c...

MVP: The Clash "Rock the Casbah"

You know this song was playing when the USA dropped bombs on Iran, and we are pretty sure that Joe Strummer wouldn't be psyched on that. But today we break down this classic music video for you and only you.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ9r8LMU9bQ

Hard Digest July 9: Early Access Prison Architecture, Glenn Danzig, Math Rock, and More

College Graduate Who Majored in Prison Architecture Flooded With Job Offers

By Tim Graham

PHILADELPHIA — University of Pennsylvania graduate Nathan Swain says he’s been inundated with calls from recruiters since completing his degree in prison architecture, jealous sources confirm.

“People keep t...

Hard Digest July 8: Early Access MAGA, Hall & Oates, Surgeons, and More

MAGA Rapper’s Career Takes Off After Sexual Misconduct Allegations

By Steve Packosky

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Up and coming MAGA rapper Shilla Flo found his career reaching new heights after sexual harassment accusations from multiple women were brought to light, sources report.

“I woke up this mo...

Hard Digest July 7: Netanyahu, Early Access Sting, Political Correctness, Zoom, and More

Netanyahu Presents Trump With Blown Up Body of Palestinian Two-Year-Old as Thank You for Continued US Support

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited President Trump at the White House today and gifted him the remains of an infant killed by American bombs ...

Hard Digest July 6: Early Access Therapy, Podcasts, MAGA, and More

Punk Opens Up to Therapist and Confesses Their Love For The Misfits’ “Famous Monsters”

By Jose Balderas

ONTARIO, Calif. — Local punk Remy Omomo made a breakthrough during a recent therapy session and admitted his love for the Graves-era Misfits’ album “Famous Monsters,” sources reported.

Hard Digest July 5: Early Access Metalheads, Coffee, RFK Jr., and More

40-Year-Old Metalhead Who Could Headbang for Hours in His 20s Now Gets Dizzy Just Standing Up from Toilet

By Chris Bowen

AUBURN, N.Y. — Local metalhead Stew Benendez came to the realization he could no longer headbang the way he used to after noticing how dizzy he became after simply getting off of his toi...

Hard Digest July 4: Early Access Crowds, Fetterman, Reels, and More

Crowd Apparently Feeling “Whoo” Tonight

By Shane Pauker

AKRON, Ohio — Attendees at Hamster Death Method’s latest concert felt overwhelmingly “whoo,” per an impromptu survey conducted by the band’s singer, confirmed sources.

“I asked how Akron was doing tonight, and they just said ‘who...

Hard Digest July 3: Early Access Fourth of July and More

Man With $5,000 Grill Pretty Much Just Doing Hot Dogs

By Jason Clemence

SARASOTA, Fla. — Local husband and father of three Brett Spalding proudly showed off his expensive new grill to friends and neighbors at a cookout, but appeared to have nothing to put on it except hot dogs, confirmed sources who assu...

MVP: Beck "Sexx Laws"

This week on MVP we break down an early Jack Black role, his star-making turn in Beck's "Sexx Laws" video that we all know and love.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQfwgzoiq4c

Hard Digest July 2: Elon, Diddy, Early Access Losers, Renting, Infant Annihilator, and More

New York Mayor Eric Adams Excited to Give Diddy A Second Key to City That Actually Opens Most Hotel Room Doors

By The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — New York Mayor Eric Adams announced he plans to give Sean “Diddy” Combs a second key to the city with the ability to open most hotel room doors following the...

Hard Digest July 1: Early Access Taylor Swift, Coal Chamber, Powerman 5000, and More

Taylor Swift Thrilled to Have an Evening Free to Reply to All 75 Million Unanswered Instagram DMs

By Mimi Kenny

LOS ANGELES — Taylor Swift, the popular recording artist with a key supporting role in “The Lorax” (2012), was reportedly “stoked beyond belief” to have an obligation-free night to re...

Hard Digest June 30: Early Access Gregg Ginn, Divorced Dads, Polyamory, and More

New Black Flag Members Mostly Just There to Help Greg Ginn Uninstall His Abundance of Browser Toolbars

By Noah Dominguez

AUSTIN, Texas — Aging Black Flag founder and lead guitarist Greg Ginn mainly hired a bunch of Zoomers to be his new bandmates so he’d have someone to help him get rid of the abunda...

Hard Digest June 29: Early Access Millennials, Taco Bell, Death Metal, and More

Heroic Millennial Goes to Show On a Monday Night Despite Being a Little Tired

By Ben Friedman

ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Local 41-year-old Teddy Moore is being hailed as a hero after multiple witnesses confirmed he attended a local punk show on a Monday night despite being a little tired.

“I don’t know...