Stephen King: wow piers anthony you know my daughter is a big fan of your work
Piers Anthony: oh yeah girls love my books
Anthony: probably all the mentions of panties
Anthony: you know, they find that relatable
Anthony: cuz they wear them
King: yeah sure that makes sense
Stephen King: so I thought I would write some fantasy
Piers Anthony: you sure about that, steve? it's not that easy
King: oh c'mon how hard could it be
King: i mean it couldn't take that...
2023-08-14 18:44:45 +0000 UTC
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[at unicorn fuck club]
Piers Anthony: ok guys get ready
Piers Anthony: it's time for PUN times with Piers Anthony!
Anthony: i think you'll all have a real SNAKE time!
Anthony: ANACONDA they're so funny!
Anthony: so bob basilisk, gooey goblin, and steve Stymphalian bird were walking on the beach
Anthony: when suddenly someone started shooting sea shells at them
Anthony: normally shells just lie on the beach
Anthony: but THESE shells were being shot at them
...
2023-08-12 19:54:33 +0000 UTC
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Stephen King: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight society i c-
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eyy stephano king
Musk: eyy you hear i fighta zuck? dissa tima for real
Musk: dissa time i no maka da bullshit
Musk: 100% you can trusta me dissa time
Musk: dissa time i mean it
Musk: dissa time i tella my mom 'eyyy shaduppayouface, you no tella me what to do!'
Musk: pretty cool, ey?
King:
Musk: yes yes
Musk: i AMA da pretty cool
Musk: ey stepha...
2023-08-10 17:58:52 +0000 UTC
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[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i call before me...
Rowling: hadley freeman!
Hadley Freeman: d-dark lord?
Rowling: DO NOT SSSPEAK
Rowling: i am
Rowling: dissspleassed
Rowling: you promisssed you could deliver unto me margaret atwood
Rowling: and at thisss you failed
Freeman: atwood is wiley oh dark lord
Rowling: you promisssed you could deliver unto me judy blume
Rowling: and at thisss you al...
2023-08-09 21:20:51 +0000 UTC
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Benji Smith: ah! the sum total of human creativity!
Smith: i'll steal it!
Smith: [screaming] NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!
Smith: i have a simple ai recipe
Smith: you just take a pinch of entergagement
Smith: a dash of synergy
Smith: the stolen creativity & hard work of infinite real humans
Smith: and voila!
Smith: all the gray content slurry you could eat!
Smith: now you too can be a writer without all that pesky wri
Barker: this fucking sucks
2023-08-08 19:54:24 +0000 UTC
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https://midnight-pals.simplecast.com/episodes/teaser-05-dean-koontz-XSa1Kb2O
Check it out, the fifth teaser trailer for the new Midnight Pals audio drama (comedy) podcast, this one featuring Dean Koontz!! Thanks to some incredible work from our producer Robin Johnson and a stellar voice cast! (you will enjoy it)
2023-08-01 23:43:31 +0000 UTC
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Neil Gaiman: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this
Gaiman: the most whimsical apocalypse
Gaiman: open the sphincters of your mind
Gaiman: and let the torrent of wonder flood you
Gaiman: stop! stop the story!
Gaiman: i can't get the lid off of my jar of rainbows! won't someone help me?
Gaiman: you perhaps?
Franz Kafka: you did a genre hurt
Gaiman:
Kafka: you did a no comfort
Kafka: you did a bad feel
Kafka: you did a cold prickly...
2023-07-31 21:12:11 +0000 UTC
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Dean Koontz: hey guys i got a story for you!
Poe: oh wow, good job dean!
Poe: i'm sure we're all excited to hear a new scary story from you
Koontz: oh this one's not scary
Poe:
Poe: oh?
Koontz: it's about dogs
Koontz: actually i didn't write this
Koontz: it's by trixie!
Poe: your dog?
Koontz: [struggling to contain laughter] yes! trixie wrote it!
Koontz: [struggling to contain laughter] she wrote it all by herself!
Koontz: it's about advice from a dog...
2023-07-30 17:01:00 +0000 UTC
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HP Lovecraft: s-so my editor at weird tales wants me to ghost write a story
Lovecraft: for harry houdini
King: harry houdini? the famous escape artist?
King: wow, howard, what an opportunity!
Lovecraft: i guess
King: whats the matter howard
Lovecraft: i just
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: what kind of name is houdini
Harry Houdini: pick a card! pick any card!
Lovecraft: ok
Houdini: is it
Houdini: the ace of spades??????
Lovecraft: wow! what the
Lovecraft: i...
2023-07-28 18:23:11 +0000 UTC
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King: hey edgar how's it going?
King: you still fighting your little longfellow war?
Poe: i will fight it as long as i have to, steve
Poe: the world must know that longfellow is a maudlin hack
Poe: and waif sucks ass
Samantha Kolesnik:
Poe: no no i mean longfellow's waif
Poe: my next editorial will deliver the killing blow
Poe: that wealthy & triumphant gentleman of elegant leisure! ooo he burns me up!
Koontz: edgar! i have an idea for your next edito...
2023-07-27 18:17:28 +0000 UTC
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Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: By the shores of Gitche Gumee
Longfellow: By the shining Big-Sea-Water
Longfellow: stood the mighty Hiawatha
Longfellow: in a coat he made from otter
King: wow, just wow
Barker: incredible stuff!
Koontz: gosh! so cool!
Lovecraft: really gets you right here, don't it?
Poe:
Poe: [muttering] he's not that good
Poe: ugh, longfellow's poems are maudlin tripe
Poe: you guys actually LIKE this stuff?
King: it just makes you feel ni...
2023-07-26 17:01:00 +0000 UTC
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Stephen King: submitted for the approval of the
Elon Musk: [emerging from bushes] eyyyyy stephano king!
Musk: you still no paya $8 for X?
King: no elon i'm
King: wait
King: $8 for what?
Musk: eyyyyy iss x now!
Musk: cuz x itta do everything!
Musk: it da everything app!
King: what do you mean it'll "do everything?"
Musk: eyyyy you know
Musk: it do
Musk: it do
Musk: it do-a alla da things capiche???
Musk: now you alla post onna da x ca...
2023-07-24 16:58:30 +0000 UTC
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Darren Aronofsky: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the whale
Stephen King: wow! sounds like a whale of a -
Aronofsky: do not patronize me
Aronofsky: i am no peddler of cheap thrills
Aronofsky: no two-bit carnival hack frightening children with spooks and spectres
Aronofsky: i am an artist laying bare the true horror of human existence
Aronofsky: like what if a guy ate 2 pizzas
Aronofsky: this is the story of...
2023-07-23 17:46:43 +0000 UTC
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Check it out, the fourth teaser trailer for the new Midnight Pals audio drama (comedy) podcast, this one featuring HP Lovecraft!! Thanks to some incredible work from our producer Robin Johnson and a stellar voice cast! (you will enjoy it)
2023-07-19 12:48:57 +0000 UTC
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[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: what newssss of the terf fight
Kathleen Stock: great news, dark lord!
Stock: you know how we've been planning to extend our hate campaign to include lesbians?
Rowling:
Stock: well, italy is going to remove lesbian parents from birth certificates
Rowling: oh good!
Rowling: i guessss we can finally punt the L off of LGB alliance
Rowling: funny, i alwaysss figured that B wo...
2023-07-18 12:12:27 +0000 UTC
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Rae Knowles: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the missing violin
Knowles: it's got murder, insanity
Knowles: and
Knowles: gaslighting but queer
Knowles: so there's this woman who meets this guy
Knowles: and he's SO hot and dashing and omg he's just the best
Knowles: so she marries him
Angela Carter: oh that's always a mistake
Knowles: so they get married and then
Knowles: they move into this woman's ancestral e...
2023-07-17 21:01:27 +0000 UTC
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Tim Waggoner: so I’m compiling some advice on writing horror
Poe: oh excellent! As it just so happens
Poe: I actually have a whole theory about that
Poe: a whole philosophy of composition
Poe: I call it The Philosophy of Composition
Waggoner: interesting
Waggoner: tell me about this
Waggoner: philosophy of composition
Poe: ok so the important thing to know is that the most poetical thing is the death of a beautiful woman
Poe: the most poetical thing is t...
2023-07-15 19:51:08 +0000 UTC
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HR Giger: i've completed a new painting
King: that's great hans
Giger: would you like to see it?
Giger: it's airbrushed on the side of this van
Giger: i've completed a new painting
King: wow! hans!
King: that is
King:
King: that is really
King:
King: what are we looking at here hans
Giger: its a dick with rivets
King: wow! hans!
King: wow! hans!
King: that's pretty wild!
King: that's real "out there!"
King: haha ...
2023-07-09 19:20:13 +0000 UTC
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Alan Moore: [appearing in a clap of thunder]
Poe: the arch magus!
King: the arch magus!
Moore: i have a story to tell
Moore: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the sinister ducks
Moore: it's a song about ducks
Moore: but it's not simply a song
Moore: it is also a warning
Moore: be afraid, foolish mortals, for the sinister ducks are coming
Moore: watch the skies!
Alan Moore: Everyone thinks they’re such sweet little...
2023-07-08 18:22:37 +0000 UTC
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David Cronenberg: body horror is the art of possibility. the body is the canvas. to change the body is to change reality, to unmake & remake the world.
Junji Ito: what if your head was a balloon lol
Junji Ito: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the fashion model
Junji Ito: so this film crew hires an actress with a really striking look
Poe: what's the look?
Ito: oh she's like an obvious monster
Ito: like 100% she's de...
2023-07-06 17:52:15 +0000 UTC
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Caitlin Marceau: so that's where we talk things out, eh?
Marceau: oh sorry i meant to say
Marceau: this is where we talk things oot, eh?
King: wow caitlin that sure is Canadian!
King: this might be the most canadian thing i've ever heard
Marian Engel: not so fast!
Marian Engel: did i hear someone say that's the most canadian thing they'd ever heard
King: yeah i
Engel: maybe you don't know
Engel: about my bear fucking story
King:
King: uh
Eng...
2023-07-04 18:52:50 +0000 UTC
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Caitlin Marceau: good day and welcome to my story eh?
Marceau: i'm caitlin marceau eh?
Marceau: and i call this the tale of the toxic parent-child relationship
King: no caitlin you have to say the words
King: "submitted for the approval of the midnight society"
Marceau: oh, take off!
Marceau: it's about this woman who goes to a weekend cabin retreat with her smothering mom eh?
Marceau: but let me tell you
Marceau: parents just don't understand
Marceau: so this...
2023-07-02 17:00:05 +0000 UTC
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[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: today i want to introducce a very sspecial guessst- john boyne
Rowling: author of the boy in the sstriped pajamassss
John Boyne: ahem, that's the boy in the striped pajamas colon a fable
Boyne: get it right!
Boyne: listen up people
Boyne: Here’s a tip for anyone interacting with a novelist online
Boyne: you can say our books suck
Boyne: you can call us bad writers
Boyne: ...
2023-06-30 03:32:33 +0000 UTC
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King: submitted for the approval of the
Elon Musk: [emerging from bushes] eyyy stephano king you thinka you so smart
Musk: you no hear i gonna fight mark zuckerberg?
Musk: now who looka cool eyyy?
King: you know elon
King: you really don't need to do this to impress me
Musk:
Musk: but you are impressed, no?
King: elon let me give you some advice that i give my son
King: violence is never the answer
Barker: why would you tell joe that
Poe: clive ...
2023-06-27 18:37:09 +0000 UTC
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Zachary Rosenberg: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the long shalom
Rosenberg: so it’s the 1920s
Lovecraft: [nodding]
Rosenberg: and there’s a detective
Lovecraft: [nodding]
Rosenberg: the detective is jewish
Lovecraft: [nodding abruptly stops]
Rosenberg: so there’s a jewish detective
Lovecraft: [sweats]
Rosenberg: and the jewish detective is bisexual
Lovecraft: [sweating intensifies]
Rosenberg: the bisexu...
2023-06-26 18:43:02 +0000 UTC
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[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i've just learned ssssome disssturbing newsss
Rowling: from a reputable sssource
Rowling: a random nazi on twitter
Rowling: but
Rowling: i really really REALLY want it to be true
Rowling: did you know
Rowling: that puberty blockers deaden a childsss sssoul?
Rowling: a transss child is literally an inhuman shell
Kathleen Stock: wow! like a monster!
Rowling: yesss
Rowling: e...
2023-06-25 21:20:04 +0000 UTC
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Stephen King: submitted for the approval of the
Elon Musk: [busting out of the bushes] eyyyyy stephano king! you thinka you so smart
Musk: you thinka you smart but elon muska he da smartest man inna world ey? oh!!!
Musk: [steps on rake]
Musk: eyyyy paisano!!!
Poe: steve who is this
King: no one, just ignore him guys
Musk: eyyyy ima pickle rick!
Poe: steve is this a friend of yours
King: no guys i just
Musk: gotsa gitsa friggata!!!
Poe: steve could...
2023-06-23 18:08:05 +0000 UTC
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It's been a slow week and I haven't made a whole lot of, as the kids say, content. So enjoy this old video I made a while back when I thought I might make videos! it's about the horniest horror movies. As always, I only appear on film when high, but I think I'm pretty coherent all things considered.
2023-06-23 00:54:37 +0000 UTC
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JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: good newssss
Rowling: elon mussssk the sssmartesst man in the says ciss isss a sslur
Rowling: you can't sssay cisss
Rowling: itsss a ssslur you sssee
Barker: you can't say what?
Rowling: ciss
Barker: you just said it
Rowling: what
Barker: you just said the slur
Rowling: well of coursse i sssaid it
Rowling: i'm allowed to ssay it
Rowling: i jussst meant THEY can't ssay it
Barker: who?
Rowling: you kno...
2023-06-21 19:57:14 +0000 UTC
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[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i've jusssst been corresssponding with sssome delightful people
Rowling: The United Patriot Front of Nordic Blood Purity, aka The 1488th Divission Sskull Fuckerss
Rowling: they're all griffyndors in my book!
Rowling: you know
Rowling: in my book, when harry organizess his classsmatess to ressisst the tyranny of voldemort
Rowling: itss very much like when the good work of the Imperial Brother...
2023-06-18 19:05:28 +0000 UTC
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