[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have excellent newsssss
Rowling: Florida is going to kidnap transss kids
Rowling: and alsssso any kid whom a hillbilly magissstrate might think might possssibly sssomeday gender nonconform
Rowling: thissss is great, they’ll take away the children
Rowling: and any sssupportive parentssss go ssstraight to jail
Rowling: yesss, we’re all very excited for the DDDEA
Rowling: the Drunk Divorced ...
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Shelley: check it out, this is my girlfriend Jane Williams
Williams: sup
Stephen King: whoa whoa wait a second mary
King: I thought you were dating percy
Shelley: yeah
King:
King: well now I’m just all confused
King: oh wait no I get it
King: when you say that she’s your girlfriend
King: you mean that you’re, like, gal pals right?
Shelley: no
King: ok but wait
Barker: they’re lesbians, Stephen
King: but wait are...
2023-02-28 23:41:27 +0000 UTC View PostJK Rowling: hello children
Poe: ah
Rowling: I have excellent newsssss
Rowling: my terf death eaterssss have acquired a very exciting new celebrity get
Rowling: time to celebrate! Letsss get ssssome tunessss playing!
[‘Streets of Cairo’ starts playing, Rowling sways hypnotically to beat]
Poe: what? what’s this celebrity get?
Rowling: the entire new York times op-ed section
Barker: those aren’t celebrities
Poe: oh clive I’m sure that to some people-
Ba...
Andrzej Żuławski: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the possession
William Peter Blatty: alright sounds like my kinda story!
Blatty: [rubbing hands together in anticipation] things bout to get real catholic in here!
Żuławski: no
Żuławski: so imagine
Żuławski: just imagine the two most extra people that you can imagine
King: ok
King: ok I’ve got that in my head
Żuławski: ok
Żuławski: now imagine they were ma...
John Baltisberger: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this
Baltisberger: the tale of Schlomo Spade, Kosher Dick
Lovecraft: [sweats] oh no
Lovecraft: [sweats] o h n o
Baltisberger: there’s also a kaiju involved
Lovecraft: [stops sweating] oh good
Baltisberger: the kaiju is also jewish
Lovecraft: [sweating resumes] oh no
Baltisberger: it was raining in the big Knish
Baltisberger: the kind of rain that was thick
Baltisberger: like ...
Ross Douthat: [wearing hat with PRESS tag] why are kids today so depressed?
Douthat: I, Ross Douthat, serious thinker, take a hard look at the question in today's new york times
Douthat: because sometimes even the grey lady needs a break from cheerleading genocide
Douthat: could it be that they live in a soul-crushing panopticon with no hope for the future amid rising fascism, climate catastrophe and unchecked disease?
Douthat: or it it be
Douthat: cell phones?
2023-02-20 18:39:50 +0000 UTC
View Post
Edgar Allan Poe: i feel like there's been way too much drama here lately
Poe: too many cranks just venting obsessions and paranoias!
Poe: can't we just hear a nice, simple, old-fashioned horror story?
HP Lovecraft: i-i've got one
Poe: ...son of a bitch
Poe: ok howard let's hear it
August Derleth: wooo! yeah!
Derleth: go off Howard, you got this!
Lovecraft: y-yeah ok
Derleth: a-grade storytelling, right here! modern master!
Lovecraft: a premise occurred to ...
2023-02-18 18:29:34 +0000 UTC View Post[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: it sssseemsss that my podcassst
Rowling: where i explained how i'm the real victim
Rowling: didn't go over asssss well as i'd hoped
Rowling: sssseemssss people were ssstill thinking about that transsss teen who got murdered yesssterday
Rowling: everyone'ssss ignoring MY victimhood
Rowling: and just thinking about that murdered teenager
Helen Joyce: i don't know why
Joyce: i've already stoppe...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have good newsss
Rowling: I have ssuccesssssfully ssssued my criticssss into sssilence
Rowling: my british criticssss, that is
Rowling: [mumbling under breath] lousssy ssstinking americansss
Rowling: confound those americansss!
Rowling: with their free ssspeech!
Rowling: and their maverick, can-do attitude!
Rowling: AND their yankee ingenuity!
Rowling: did you know that they put actual ...
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh
Poe: joanne
Rowling: I want to invite you all to hear my ssspecial podcassst appearance
Poe: oh god
Barker: what’s it called
Rowling: it’s called ‘the witch trialsss of jk rowling’
Barker: ah hahaha
Rowling: ssssee, it referssss to the fact that I wrote a book about witchesss
Rowling: but also, like historical witchesss, I have been unfairly persecuted
Barker: damn did you think of that yourself
Rowling: I’ve bee...
Benjamin Wheatley: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of a field in England
Wheatley: starring Reece Shearsmith
Stephen King: oh good! The league of gentlemen! I could do with a good laugh
Wheatley:
Wheatley: it’s a tale of psychological torture and psychedelic manipulation
King: I’m laughing already!
Wheatley: it all takes place in
Wheatley: a field so English
Wheatley: I’m going to create a field so English
Wh...
2023-02-11 23:47:16 +0000 UTC View Post[Scottish castle]
Agent: hey joanne
JK Rowling: Lydia
Rowling: what newssss do you bring of the outsssside muggle world
Agent:
Agent: uh well
Agent: there’s been A LOT of buzz about your new Hogwarts game
Rowling: good buzz?
Agent:
Rowling: the children all love my hogwartssss game do they not?
Rowling: they love to be transsssported back to the whimsssical apolitical world of harry potter!
Rowling: lotssss of good publicity, right?
Agent: well
Ag...
Guillermo del Toro: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of Frankenstein
del Toro: but what if Frankenstein was hot
Stephen King: do you mean the doctor or the monster
King: because, technically, the monster is frankenstein’s monster and
del Toro: I know what I said, steve
Del Toro: in this retelling, the doctor is played by Oscar isaacs
del Toro: and the monster is played by Andrew Garfield
Barker: do they fuck
Poe: clive
Ba...
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Mary Shelley: my little man percy here’s got a story
Mary Shelley: and you’re all gonna sit and listen to it okay?
Mary Shelley: alright tell your story percy
Percy Shelley: yes dear
Mary Shelley: you fuckers are gonna love this
Lord Byron: [tossing hair] ah mary now you know if you want a real story, a story of dashing derring do from a real man
Mary Shelley: shut the fuck up
Mary Shelley: maybe I wasn’t clear
Mary Shelley: my l...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: big newssss
Rowling: your favorite game issss finally available
Rowling: hogwartssss legacccy
Rowling: i hope you've all already purchasssed your 4 copiesss
Jesse Singal: i did! i bought 4 copies, dark lord!
Graham Linehan: i bought 5
Rowling: uh oh jessssse looks like someone's angling for your sssspot
Singal: but
Rowling: come ssssit next to me graham, you're m...
Tom Monteleone: hey everyone did you hear me on that podcast?
Poe: oh which podcast?
Monteleone: I think it was called “Groyper Final-Solution and Loli Wendy’s Mascot Present the 14 Word Retvrn Cast”
Poe:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
King: um
King: what did you talk about
Tom Monteleone: trans people are satanic, black people have it too easy, and they/thems…
Monteleone: don’t even get me started on the they/thems!
Monteleone: and while I’m at it what abou...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: ah my terf deatheaterssss
Rowling: I have excellent newsss
Graham Linehan: [blundering into circle] hello everyone, I’m back!!
Rowling: goddamnit how does he keep finding us
Posie Parker: oh I told him where we were meeting
Rowling: you told
Parker: oh yeah get on the trolley joanne
Parker: graham’s not an embarrassing outlier anymore
Parker: we’ve all caught up to him
Parker: he’s mainstream now
L...
2023-01-30 18:29:51 +0000 UTC View PostFranz Kafka: hey everyone
Kafka: I guess I’ll tell a
Kafka:
Kafka: [world weary sigh]
Kafka: I’m sorry I’ve just been
Kafka: so depressed
Kafka: what’s the point of anything
Kafka: the world is an unfeeling labyrinth of nonsensical rules constraining us at every turn
King: gee franz it’s not so bleak as all that
Kafka: and also I’m ugly
King: now that just isn’t true
King: how can you say you’re ugly, franz?
King: you’re a good looki...
TS Eliot: Let's go now
Eliot: to the kitchens and the sculleries
Eliot: where bus boys put plates in sinks
Eliot: people wear more hats these days
Eliot: have you ever noticed there's more clouds these days
Eliot: where's the fire
Eliot: in your beautiful blue eyes, officer
Eliot: doctor doctor mister em dee
Eliot: how much wood could a wood chuck chuck
Eliot: is everyone having more sex than me
Eliot: the beaches have waves
Eliot: like emerald iv...
Lovecraft: h-hey guys do you want to see my newsletter
Barker: you uh
Barker: you wrote a newsletter?
Barker: whats it called?
Lovecraft: t-the conservative
Barker:
Barker: ah ha ha ha
August Derleth: STOP IT, HOWARD IS ONLY AS RACIST AS THE AVERAGE MAN OF HIS DAY!!
Derleth: look before you start making assumptions
Derleth: you gotta understand that howard's 'conservatism' bears little resemblance to how we understand the term today
Derlet...
Brandon Sanderson: well I’m off to my day job
Sanderson: teaching creative writing at brigham young university
Barker: oh yeah? Is that the case?
Barker: I thought Mormons were against D&D
Sanderson:
Sanderson:
Sanderson: I don’t just write D&D
Barker: how many saving rolls do you have to throw when you write
Sanderson: i
Sanderson:
Sanderson: [sprite representing physical embodiment of ‘annoyance’ appears and dances around]
Barker: ha ha!<...
[unicorn fuck club]
Brandon Sanderson: so I’ve got a story
Sanderson: I call it the tale of cosmere universe
Sanderson: it’s kind of long, so you should all probably go to the bathroom first
Sanderson: so here’s what you have to know about the cosmere universe
Sanderson: it’s got a hard magic system
Sanderson: you have to spend 8 points of manna to cast magic missile
Sanderson: but only if you get +2 on your saving dexterity roll
Sanderson: and if there’s ...
Kyle Edward Ball: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, i call this the tale of the skinamarink
Koontz: oh! like the
Ball: yes yes go ahead and say it
Ball: just like sharon lois and bram's elephant show
Ball: like i haven't heard THAT before
Ball: goddamn gen xers
Ball: this is the tale of the skinamarink
Ball: i hope you're ready to look at this lego set for the next hour and a half
Ball: cuz that's what we're doing
Ball:...
Brian Keene: hey guys we’re going to do a collection of barbarian horror
Robert E Howard: hang on thar a dang second pardna
Howard: how y’all gonna do that?
Keene: well I think
Keene: it’ll go a little something
Keene: like this…
[wasteland expanse]
Brian Keene: [in loincloth] I am Brian
Keene: brian the barbarian
Keene: greatest warrior on all krull
Keene: hark! Who is this brassy spitfire who approaches?
Mary SanGiovanni: [in chainmail bikini]
Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have good newssss
Rowling: sscotland thought it could get away with being lessss transssphobic
Rowling: well!
Rowling: not on my watch!
Rowling: I’m delighted to ssssay that wessstminsssster issss going to put those filthy ssscotsss their place
Rowling: imagine! Getting all uppity like that!
Rowling: we’ll sssoon put them back in their place!
Rowling: and that place is
Rowling: under the heel of the king
Stephen Kin...
Oscar Wilde: ah midnight society
King: OMG! Oscar wilde
King: guys it’s Oscar wilde!
Poe: yes steve
King: they say he’s the wittiest man in the world
Wilde: hmm and what is the world but a very big globe with people and other things on it
King: ha ha! Oh man I’m laughing already!
Wilde: there’s only one thing worse than being in a society and that’s not being in one
King: oh zing! Ha ha! He sure got us there!
Wilde: getting us is only half as bad as not...
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: did you hear?
Rowling: people are ssssaying that I wassss the firssst author to write about poverty
King:
Poe:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker: oh are they
Poe: clive
Barker: are they saying that?
Poe: clive
Barker:
Rowling: people are ssssaying that I’m the firsssst author to realisssstically deal with poverty in writing
Barker: who exactly is saying this joanne
Rowling: oh you know
Rowling: ssssome guy online
Lucy Clifford: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the new mother
Clifford: if kids are naughty, then your mom will abandon you
Clifford: and a new BAD mom will come for you
Neil Gaiman: zounds!
Gaiman: a lightning bolt of inspiration!
Gaiman: as from the very heavens themselves!
Gaiman: quick! Fetch me my big old-timey quill!
Gaiman: The mind fishes of my fantasmaquarium are leaping!
Clifford: so you better be good or y...
2023-01-10 21:37:31 +0000 UTC View PostLucy Clifford: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the new mother
Clifford: now then
Clifford: you must all remember that if you’re bad
Clifford: your mother will abandon you and you’ll get a new monster mother
Barker: haha badass
Clifford: NO
Clifford: no clive it is not
Clifford: this new mother, she’s got glass eyes
Clifford: and a wooden tail
Clifford: I can’t emphasize this enough
Clifford: she is REAL fucke...
Since Twitter is in the slow process of imploding, I've been trying to cross post Midnight Pals to other platforms, including Mastodon, Tumblr, and Substack. Seems weird that I DON'T post it here, right? I mean, it does make sense to post it here as well? So that said, I'm also going to be cross posting here. Hope you all enjoy! Here's today's thread:
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have big newssss
Rowling: hogwartsssss legacy hass...