Bitter Karella

Midnight Pals: just bad shit

[at a scottish castle]
JK Rowling: finally! the frivolouss lawssuit i funded has finally sstripped transs women of all rightss
Rowling: this callss for a celebration
Rowling: [puts on record]
Record: ceeeelebrate good times 🎶
Rowling: i will

Rowling: finally i've achieved my goal
Rowling: total immunity for policce to grope women
Rowling: it wass a difficult journey but i sstuck to my principless
Rowling: here i sstand, i can do no other

Rowling: ssome m...

Midnight Pals: the trans mummy returns

King: hey clive i read online that you were pro trans rights
Clive Barker: what an odd thing to say
Barker: why ever would you feel the need to remark on that
Barker: when it's the obvious opinion held by all right-thinking people
Barker: but yes

Clive Barker: ya know, i had an idea to make a trans version of the mummy
King: really? i don't remember that coming up before
Barker: oh no?
Barker: then enjoy this midnight pals classic™ abou...

Midnight Pals: The Truth

Kit Power: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the song that makes you tell the truth
Power: so there's this song
Power: if you hear it, you have to always tell the truth
Power: OR DIE

Power: after hearing this song, you always have to tell the truth
Power: if you lie, it'll make your head explode
Power: the problem is
Power: it's really hard to run a society without lying
Power: try it sometime, i'm sure you'll agree

Lo...

Midnight Pals: The Divine Flesh

Drew Huff: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the divine flesh
Huff: ok so imagine that there's this lovecraftian abomination cosmic horror elder god
Huff: but she's also a total thot

Huff: this woman has a Lovecraftian god in her body
Huff: and the god is all
Huff: (honey i'm soooo hornyyyy)
Huff: (girl c'monnnn)
Huff: (baby i wanna party)
Huff: (sweetie c'mon)
Huff: (sugar)
Huff: (hun bunny dearie luv pet)
Huff: (c...

Midnight Pals: O Canada

Poe: so things are
Poe: things are pretty crazy these days
Poe: so crazy it's hard to even see the point in getting together with some friends
Poe: around the campfire
Poe: to talk and tell stories and forget the world a bit
Poe: yeah it sure is

Poe: but maybe-
King: hey did you hear the president is going to declare war on Canada
Poe:
Robert Heinlein: yes!
Heinlein: YES!!
Heinlein: [doing end zone dance] YES!!!!

Poe: you're awful excited, rob
Hein...

Midnight Pals: SIGMA

[at the White House]
Donald Trump: so as i was saying we're putting tariffs on the moon
Trump: i know people like the moon
Trump: it's a beautiful moon
Trump: but it's not pulling its weight
Trump: it's gotta go

Trump: some people on the radical left are saying
Trump: the tides! what about the tides!
Trump: why are you whining about the tides?
Trump: i don't take responsibility for the tides

Trump: it's the biggest moon, some say its the best moon-
Larry...

Midnight Pals: No Fun Allowed

Margery Lawrence: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of how Pan came to little ingleton
Lawrence: ok so picture this
Lawrence: there's this minister who hates fun
King: what, all kinds of fun?
Lawrence: all kinds
Lawrence: he's a real stick in the mud

Lawrence: he's all like 'no dancing, no drinking'
Barker: oh man this guy sounds booooooring
Barker: couldn't be me
King: yeah this guy sounds like a real killjoy
Kin...

Midnight Pals: JK on Aces

[scottish castle]
JK Rowling: [in a darkened room, staring into the dying embers in her fireplace] ssso
Rowling: finally it comess to thisss
Rowling: julia donaldssson
Rowling: it wasss alwaysss going to be julia donaldssson

Rowling: how isss it that her power hass sssurpasssed my own JK
Rowling's agent: well joanne don't worry, i'm sure we can come back from this
Rowling: perhapss i didn't hate the transs hard enough
agent: well uh we can agent: that's one p...

Midnight Pals: Gruffaloed

[at a scottish castle]
JK Rowling's agent: hey jk i uh have some news
Rowling: ahhh cynthia!
Rowling: its been a really long time sssince we did a bit with you
Rowling: bringing back the classssicsss i sssee

JK Rowling: itsss jusst another fine day of being the mossst beloved writer in the UK
[agent whispers in Rowling's ear]
Rowling: what? oh
Rowling: well
Rowling: at leasst itss jussst another fine day of being the besst sselling writer in the UK
ag...

Midnight Pals: Elon Steps Back

King: Submitted for the
King:
King: sorry i was expecting to be interrupted
Poe: by elon?
King: yeah by elon
King: that's weird, he hasn't tried to be my friend for over 2 hours now
King: i hope...
King: no sorry hope's not the right word
King: i wonder if he's ok

[earlier]
Elon Musk: mama mia i buy da wisconsin supreme court race
Musk: alla da people dey laugh, dey clappa da hands
Musk: eyyy you musta vota republican iffa you my friend!
[...

Moonflow... the trailer!

It's happening! Moonflow is coming! In case you're unaware (and how could you be? I feel like I've been yammering about this way too much), my trans splatterpunk psychedelic hippiesploitation book MOONFLOW is coming out in September. But it's avai...

Midnight Pals: Weirdgirls

Chloe Johnson: open wide, horror fans
Johnson: cuz here's a new sheriff in town
Johnson:you've heard of hopepunk
Johnson: you've heard of sweetweird
Johnon: you've heard of noblebright and squeecore and nicewave
Johnson: well get read for the hot new horror microgenre that's blowing them all away
Johnson: it's weird girl hours

Johnson: that's right, weirdgirl is the new hotness that all the kids are talking about
Johnson: female and non-binary writers are driving a ...

Midnight Pals: Velvet Night

Silvia Moreno-Garcia: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the velvet night
Moreno-Garcia: i mean the night that is velvet
Moreno-Garcia: the night that was velvet
Moreno-Garcia: i mean velvet was the night
Moreno-Garcia: yeah that sounds good
Moreno-Garcia: let's go with that

Moreno-Garcia: this story takes place in the 1970s
Moreno-Garcia: in america, a time of disco and bellbottom pants
Moreno-Garcia: but in Mexico
Moreno...

Midnight Pals: Disruption

Stephen King: Submitted for the
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eyyyyy itsa me, elon!
Musk: and ima not here to be your friend Stephano king
Musk: ima here inna my official capacity asa da wallet inspector!

King: elon, i'm not just going to give you my wallet
Musk: eyyyy whatsamattaforyou Stephano king?
Musk: maybe you no understanda da situation
Musk: you musta hand over da wallet
Musk: cuz i have-a my own personal army ova goons
Musk: justa like my-a personal h...

Midnight Pals: Another Row

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: did you all see my tweet?
Allison Bailey:
Helen Joyce:
Kathleen Stock:
Rowling: i am sstill tweeting my the way
Rowling: don't think you can sstop paying attention

Rowling: i really don't undersstand why no one is around to ssee my tweetss anymore
Rowling: it'ss like everyone'ss jusst left twitter or ssomething
Rowling: which of coursse would be ridiculouss
Rowling: i mean why would pe...

Midnight Pals: the power of story

Elon Musk: eyyy stephano king
Musk: we besta friends ey?
Stephen King: goshdarn it elon leave me alone!
Musk: eyyy i aska da grok to draw a picture of us together
King:

King: maybe i'm looking at this all wrong
King: i mean we're all story tellers, right?
King: maybe we could use the awesome power of story telling to help change elon!
Kurt Vonnegut: so
King: don't bring me down, kurt, i'm cooking here!

King: think about it!
King: elon's been stealing ame...

Midnight Pals: Disruption

King: well, things are pretty bad these days
King: but if there's one up side
King: it's that elon's really too busy to
Elon Musk: [rising up out of bushes] eyyyy stephano king!

King: goshdarnit why won't elon just leave me alone?
King: oh no
Barker: HA HA HA
King: stop laughing clive!
King: it's not funny!
King: it's a real problem!

Musk: eyyy stephano king!
Musk: mi amigo!
King: we're not friends, elon
King: don't you have something to do?
Mus...

Midnight Pals: Da Picts

Grant Allen: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of Pallinghurst Barrow
Allen: it's about a scientist who's going to a scientist convention
Allen: to talk to scientists about science
Allen: as you do

Allen: of course, this scientist
Allen: he's very rational, very logical
Allen: he's certainly NOT given to wild flights of fancy
Allen: not the sort to believe in non-scientific things
King: oooo this going to be good!

Allen: ...

Midnight Pals: New Snape

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have big newssss
King: oh no
Rowling: it'sss about harry potter!
King: oh!
King: i didn't expect that
King: well that sounds just fine then!
Poe: careful steve
Poe: she's tricked you before

King: now come on edgar
King: harry potter is a fun, exciting, apolitical adventure!
King: i'm sure that whatever joanne wants to tell us about harry potter
King: it's not going to be anything bad!
Poe:
King: she would never...

Midnight Pals: Kids Lit

Stephen King: hey guys guess what?
King: maurice sendak and me are teaming up to tell a bold, original new story!
Poe: oh yeah? what's that?
King: hansel and gretel
Poe:

King: i was just fascinated by Maurice's illustrations for hansel and gretel
Maurice Sendak: and i'm fascinated by stories where children get eaten!
John Saul: oh yeah we're all fascinated by that
Stephen Gresham: >:C

Sendak: i love the bit where the witch eats the kids!
Sendak: that's m...

Midnight Pals: How'd he do that

Lovecraft: hey everyone i've got exciting news!
Lovecraft: i'm gonna be collaborating on a story with harry houdini!
King: harry houdini the famous magician and escape artist?
Lovecraft: yes!
Lovecraft: yes that harry houdini!

Lovecraft: and i know what you're all thinking
Lovecraft: i was worried about it at first too
Lovecraft: but it turns out that harry houdini is just a stage name
Lovecraft: he isn't even really italian at all!

Barker: oh yeah? wha...

Midnight Pals: Willow Creek

Bobcat Goldthwait: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of Willow Creek
Stephen King: great! I could do with a laugh!
Goldthwait: it's not funny
King: ha ha! I'm laughing already!
Goldthwait: it's not a comedy!!

Goldthwait: this isn't a comedy, it's a harrowing descent into danger and madness!
King: do the voice
Goldthwait:
King: c'mon, bobcat, do the voice!
Goldthwait:
Goldthwait: this is below my dignity

Gol...

Midnight Pals: The Machine Fucks

EM Forster: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the machine stopping
Forster: imagine, if you can, a future where everyone just posts online all the time while the world crumbles around them
King: wow, chillingly prescient
King: i don't think i like this

King: wow that's a pretty scary idea!
King: you should pursue this
Forster: i would, but i just don't have time for writing these days
Forster: i'm just way too busy having...

Midnight Pals: Coffee

[at unicorn fuck club]
JRR Tolkien: ugh everyday the news is worse and worse!
Tolkien: it seems that certain hunnish practices have taken root in America
CS Lewis: oh that sounds bad
Tolkien: quite!

CS Lewis: look i know times are bad jrrt
Lewis: maybe this will cheer you up
Lewis: travis baldree is going to be telling his latest story of low stakes and cozy vibes
Travis Baldree: i call it Kelpies and Kitchen Implements

Baldree: so this is a story about an orc...

Midnight Pals: Maelstrom

Poe: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the descent into the maelstrom
Poe: it's about a guy who survives a descent into the maelstrom
Barker: why'd you just give away the ending?
Poe:

Poe: look, you already know that he survived the maelstrom because the story of the maelstrom is being related to the narrator by the survivor
Poe: it's what we call a frame story
Barker: who do you think you are, mary shelley?
Barker: queen of the fucking fr...

Midnight Pals: Sandwiches

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: exciting newsss out of America these daysss!
Rowling: we're banning transs women from ssport because of their innate biological advantage
Rowling: we're also banning ciss women from ssport because really we should all be back in the kitchen
Rowling: everyone wins!

Angela Carter: i'm kinda worried about the attacks on womens rights and reproductive health
JK Rowling: wow angela alwaysss focussing on the negative!
Rowling: what about a...

Midnight Pals: Harry Potter series

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have exciting newssss
Rowling: there's a new harry potter sseriesss coming out!
Rowling: you all ssstill love harry potter, don't you?

Rowling: i hope you're all ready for the gloriousss new age of harry potter
Rowling: now that the falssse tyrannical doctrine of tolerance has been defeated, i don't need to kowtow to your oppressssive woke sssensssibilitiesss!
Rowling: i'm excissing all the filthy Irishmen from the narrative!
Rowli...

Midnight Pals: Rings of Power

[at unicorn fuck club]
GRR Martin: hey jrrt we just saw that peter Jackson movie
CS Lewis: yeah it was pretty good
JRR Tolkien: bleh
Tolkien: they never make the hobbits hot enough
Tolkien: there are entire shots where you can't see their feet at all

JRR Tolkien: god why can't anyone make a decent adaptation of my work?
Tolkien: peter Jackson, ralph bakshi, rankin bass
Tolkien: not a one of them understand the essence of middle earth!
Tolkien: which is sexy, sexy...

Midnight Pals: Wizards

JRR Tolkien: submitted for the approval of unicorn fuck club, i call this the similrian
Tolkien: i know that you all had a lot of questions about middle earth after LOTR
Tolkien: so this story will answer all questions
GRR Martin: even questions about the blue wizards
Tolkien: no it does not answer questions about the blue wizards

Tolkien: look, i don't want to talk about the blue wizards
Martin: gosh why don't you want to talk about the blue wizards jrrt?
Tolkien:
...

Midnight Pals: Reviews

David A. Truesdale: hey it's me David a truesdale, editor of tangent online, fearless advocate of political INcorrectness
Lovecraft: whoa!
Truesdale: so watch out, snowflakes!
Lovecraft: wow!
Truesdale: [rips CENSORED tape from mouth] this ain't your dad's short fiction reviews!
Lovecraft: i like this guy!
Lovecraft: he doesn't care WHOSE toes he steps on!

Truesdale: that's right here at tangent online we're cutting through short fiction reviews like a blade through a ...